If the little inner voice that sounds like you says, “Go...”

think about it hard.

One

(written in the 2022)

I am returning to sobriety - or trying to - a-fucking-gain. I’ve not been drunk in 20 hours. This may not sound like a big deal, but this is a big deal. Yesterday, I threw up three separate times from overdoing it. Morning. Afternoon. Evening.

I am returning to the idea that life has a way, and what disappears or leaves is just making space for more. But I won’t become a hungry ghost. I will accept what is offered.

I am returning to veganism.

I am returning to reading.

I am coming home.

Today, I sat through a big ugly emotion without reaching for a bottle, neither wine nor pills, for the first time in such a long time. I feel like I am finally learning how, slowly. Have you tried it lately? It’s harder to get a grasp on than I thought it would be.

Today, I invited the guests in, even the ones I wish wouldn’t come by anymore. There are some guests I would be happy never to see again—still, they’ll be invited in. I welcomed them to the page and asked them what they needed from me and what they came to share.

I am returning to writing.

Today, I reread the Rumi poem The Guest House and learned how to be alive again, a little bit.

Today, I tried to do a breathwork session & I hated it.

Today, I learned that Buddhism has goddesses. How did I not know? That is power. Tara. Tara. Tara — “she who showeth the way to those who are lost,” one hundred different names.

Today, I communed with little Kait, Katie, told her she was safe, invited her to the page, and we spoke.

Today, I heard the voice of my dead father, a nudge of encouragement.

Today started as misery, and now I am content. What wonder. It's such a stupid, ordinary, beautiful little piece of magic. It's such a gift. What a little miracle. It is an ordinary, somewhat miserable light and shadow life. Don’t think too deeply.

I dare you to take a deep breath.

Two of my works

Two

If they are all speaking medicine

and I start speaking French,

would they

understand then

what it is to be

decorative?

— dinner with his family