Field Notes From Getting My Shit Together

on visual representations of closure, trying to focus on building what I want instead of the black anxiety holes of uncertainty & finding power in a budgeting app

Packing up at the old house, photo by SP

No. 1: I am getting everything out of that old house.

I have a storage unit now. I plan on moving as much stuff into it as possible tomorrow. I am having a tricky time finding people to help as I know very few people in my city. I cannot wait to never walk into that place again.

There’s also a little mix of feelings there because I loved that house so much when we bought it. It was my project for an entire year. I had hopes for it. Remind me to talk to my therapist about this?

I have been throwing away things I do not want or need & it is so satisfying - giant black utility bag after huge black utility bag. I have been leaving them in a massive pile on the front porch. I want to leave as little of what I brought into that home there as possible - not out of any pettiness or revenge but as a form of closure for myself. I don’t want to leave any parts of me there. I want new. I want healthier. I want a cutting of emotional and spiritual cords. I want to choose my own life.

Today, my therapist told me it might be connected: my desire to leave as few of the things I made/brought in as possible to my previously subconscious need to have a visual representation to show myself how much of myself I put into that marriage and how fucking hard I tried.

No. 2: I want to change. I want to change. I want to change.

Basil sleeps like this.

I want to focus less on fear of how this divorce could go, less on anxieties of the unknowns, and more on building the new life I am excited to live instead. It’s a much better use of my time and way more fun to think about. In my experience so far, divorce can feel all-consuming. I refuse to let it. I will continue to live my little wild & precious life with as much joy, gratitude & presence as possible.

“You may be being released from something but not fully moving forward yet. Venus is the planet of relationships, and it is slow, slow, slow.”

- Chani Nicholas

I hate this fact, but I feel almost constantly overwhelmed & keep getting stuck in my sticky little scarcity thinky thoughts. I want a mindset change, so I am going to try to make one happen. New ways of being, possibly an entirely new way of seeing? New rituals, restructuring, building new pebble paths, making plans, and setting intentions…

Hello, old affirmations app. It may be cheesy… but it helps. I am not talking about toxic positivity. I am talking about radical joy.

I do not believe in manifesting. I do love setting intentions & plans. I don't love the word “goals.” I HATE the idea of “resolutions.” Some days, I want to cry because I am so overwhelmed. Sometimes I do. Sometimes, I distract myself by learning about Chakras, redesigning my website, packing boxes, cleaning, hyper-fixating on budgeting apps, color coding and perfecting my to-do lists, stretching to bring me back into my body…. whatever pulls at that moment. Sometimes, I sit around and chain-smoke while listening to an audiobook.

No. 3: I made a list.

What I am hungry for, prioritize, and want my days to consist of — intentions big and intentions small. I wrote it on the night of the full moon. Every 28 days, Mama Moon reminds me to invite things in. Consider this the first draft of a new ecosystem. On day one, there was light.